Reviews: Recent Movies

Posted: December 11, 2011 in Movies
Tags: , , ,

This year saw a lot of great movies at the box office. Sadly, there were also a lot of craptastic ones that got released. Worse, the biggest crap that came out actually made it big. Oh, you know which one I’m talking about!

So here’s what I thought about the movies that I’ve recently seen. Not in any particular order.

Immortals

Rating: 3/5

I’ve always been fascinated by mythology. It’s an interesting glimpse of how deep the human mind and spirit really is.

The Good

The visual component of the movie is certainly appealing. Action scenes were filled with the right amount of gore and violence to qualify it as realistic enough. And certainly, with the actor who will soon be gracing the big screen as the Man of Steel, and a slew of attractive cast, there is enough eye candy for everyone.

The Not-So-Good

I don’t understand why Hollywood writers feel the need to crap on classic literature.

Case in point, this movie is about the Greek hero Theseus, battling it out with King Hyperion to save the fate of mankind and the gods.

For the uninitiated, Theseus was the founder and king of Athens, believed to be descended from Poseidon, although his father may very well be Aegus. Among his many adventures, Theseus was perhaps best known for slaying the mythical beast Minotaur, a half-man half-bull creature. More on Theseus from this Wikipedia page.

The movie is not based on that Theseus.

As is typical Hollywood style, they created their own version of Theseus. Heck, they created their own version of the Greek gods and the titans. Which might have worked – if the characters they replaced them with are not pathetic shadows of the original mythological ones.

In the movie version, Theseus is a peasant bastard borne of a peasant woman who was raped. Zeus, the supposed mighty leader of the gods has secretly watched over the hero by posing as an old man close to the mother-son.

Then, this king, Hyperion went on a bloody quest to find the Epirus bow, a weapon so deadly the gods themselves fear it. It has the power to unleash the locked up titans from the bowels of Mount Tartarus. His motivation is revenge, because the gods stood by while the king’s family suffered from a plague of sorts. King Hyperion ravaged villages and monasteries in the hopes of finding the lost artifact. Hyperion will succeed, and the Oracle has seen this.

Actually, it’s the Oracle’s fault that Hyperion will succeed. She’s foreseen future events, as oracles are wont to do. She’s been captured by Hyperion’s men when they overtook their monastery, but having three decoys around her all the time, they were safe for the time being as it was the case that if the Oracle were to be touched by men, her visions will be corrupted. She managed to escaped with Theseus, who after witnessing Hyperion slash his mother’s throat, was captured as a slave.

The Oracle again had a vision, that if Theseus embraced Hyperion, the world as they know it will end. But the bigger point is, if Hyperion got the Epirus bow in the first place, the world is gonna end anyway. So what did she do to prevent that from happening? She leads Theseus right to the Epirus bow. And of course, it ended up in Hyperion’s hands. They basically just gave Hyperion the very weapon that could destroy the world.

And the gods? Useless and pathetic supermodels perched atop a mountain high up in the air. They’re forbidden to interfere with men’s affairs so long as the titans were not involved. Of course, like teenagers, being told not to do it only makes these gods want to do it all the more. And Zeus killed one of them for defying him. Really? Gods don’t punish gods by killing them. I mean, even the titans were just locked down in an infernal mountain.

The titans? The monsters of yore are pathetic ethnic-looking men who seemed to multiply like gremlins once Hyperion released them from their cages.

Terrible story-telling, weak plot, vomit-inducing dialog, uninspired acting. That’s sounds about right.

New Year’s Eve

Rating: 2.5/5

The Good

It’s a feel-good movie, a mish-mash of characters as they go about their lives culminating in the eve of New Year’s.

The Not-so-Good

It worked somewhat on Valentine’s day, but in this one, it seemed forced. I ended up trying to play a game of who’s that actor/actress throughout the movie instead of being engaged in any of the storylines. And I am a sucker for feel-good movies!

The Adventures of Tin-tin

Rating: 3/5

The Good

The animation is quite plausible, especially with glasses and reflections.

The Not-so-Good

The title character, aside from the weird ugly boy’s face in a young adult’s body, is an uninteresting and a little annoying character. The dog’s the only character I am happy to see that’s not overly stupid, pathetic or otherwise just plain annoying.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I

Rating: 0/5

Yes, I managed to get myself into that situation where I had to come with. Still recovering from the nightmare of it all.

The Good

Honestly, I can’t think of any.

The BAD

Everything. I can’t talk about this movie without expletives coming out.

Bad acting, terrible directing, crap writing… All things despicable about the current state of Hollywood is embodied in this heap of excrements.

I can’t be sure, but I think they spent more than an hour just to establish those two weirdoes fornicating. This to me is just a way to ride the popularity (something I still can’t explain) of this series and cash in. Greedy bastards! They made a very long narrative out of something that could have been fine as a Short Movie! A 10-minute or less short movie to be honest.

It felt like something in me died after I watched this garbage.

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